band-aid wrappers, crap old pens from your console, old GAP receipts, and Adam Duritz: keys to networking in the big city

(sir wells, this title is for you)

i've been pulling over a lot lately to talk on my cell phone. this is revolutionary for me given that i've perfected the art of holding my cell, shifting gears, changing CD's of my audio book all managing not to kill pedestrians. but as of late, i've decided to pull over.

there's this job i really want. no, let me reframe: there is a program who needs me to continue growing and expanding in new directions. so i'm trying to convince them anyway (if you're a person who prays to anything, please use this on my behalf on may 1). i keep leaving voice mails for people i don' t know to get connected as needed. now i have an interview.

this whole process has felt like riding a thrill ride for the first time in the dark, and kara at least knows i HATE thrill rides (and the dark sometimes). with every call i have no idea what the hell i'm doing. i talk to mr. so-and-so and tell him mr. something-or-other's name who i know through his sister-in-law whom i work with. mr. so-and-so says "oh, you know mr.something-or-other? oh yes, he's a great guy i love working with him." i say, "oh yes, but can you help me talk with ms. queen-bee-of-latina-work? i want to get connected with her!" and mr. so-and-so gives me her extension.

then i call and leave messages, spelling my name, leaving my phone number, requesting to hear about further career opportunities and blah blah blah. i do this, every day, all day in between breaks from my job where i keep asking around if anyone knows people at this university.

and when do they call back?? they call back when you're driving home in the traffic of the posh downtown suburb you live in. they call when you're at home packing up all your crap to move and your peeing in the bathroom ring ring. they call back while your itunes is blaring August and Everything After and your writing their call back extension on the only piece of scrap you can find: a bandaid wrapper.

they better be convinced they need me.

i don't like dogs

i know its hard to believe but its true. i hate dogs actually. well, thats not fair. . . i hate having animal hair on me or on my belongings. i hate animals wanting to rub all over you as if personal space doesn't exist. you have to have permission to invade my privacy. i hate their breath. i hate that ppl think dogs are people, when they aren't.

i stopped by a co-workers house today to pick up some things she's giving me and her dog greeted me at the door. i of course was annoyed because the thing is like 4 feet tall and proceeded to wipe his mouth on my knee cap leaving slawber that crusted up ten minutes later (gross.) then the jerk wouldn't stop barking at me as if i had invaded HIS territory. this dog is something they call an English Shepherd dog or some crap like that. i don't know, he looks like the Abodminal Snowman with freyed carpet in place of the snow as hair. how can you love this thing?

we had a dog growing up, Lady. she was my sisters and i hated her most of the time. maybe i was secretly jealous that i didn't have a pet of my own. or maybe i think fleas and spending money to save an animal from a cancer that people can't even be cured from is ludicrous.

last christmas at our company party everyone was stunned to find out i didn't like the hostess' dog. "you seem like the pet type!?" to which i responded, "do i look like i want animal germs and hair all over my clothes and saliva that belongs to an animal on my skin? i don't think so."

i can be a real snob sometimes. this was one of those times.

even though there is so much i still haven't reconciled, my heart is His

i was in the city today pursuing a few opportunities for work, for fun, for life. i took the longer "el" route to my new house so i could walk down Southport and check out the cool shops that will soon be my stomping grounds. when there are so many new opportunities in front of me i sorta get a little nervous. i was telling a friend last night that i've been kinda insecure about a couple decisions lately-and i HATE insecurity (i do my best to stay far away from the worm).

the thing is that i always want to keep my options open. so in effect, i hate deciding on ONE thing. i get scared that i'll be bored or that it'll suck and i'll have no way out, etc. i was thinking that it would be a whole lot easier if i could set out a dumb fleece like ol' Gideon in the story in Judges of the Bible. is it just me, or was that like way too easy? no chance that would work now, i'm too complicated for that sort of thing. meaning i have no faith.

as i was leaving downtown i got a call from this man who is a key link to some networking i've been doing for at least a month. some wheels are turning and i might get connected better than i thought. i am totally humbled.

i came home and got in the bath thinking about how much i'd like to lather in God's mercy. so soothing. i listened to this on my drive. . .




What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?
What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?

What would I have done?
What would I have done?

What would I have done if it wasn't for you?

the move countdown: 2 weeks

what i will miss about living alone:
1. dishes piling up in the sink that i left, and i don't care about- mold schmold.
2. walking around naked on the third floor of my apartment bldg with the windows open
(i figure if mr. peeping tom is ballsy enough to climb up that high in the chicago wind, he deserves a free show)
3. crying for no reason, blowing snot on my couch pillow & knowing that a little febreeze will cover it all up
4. taking really really really really looong baths, door swung open with my music blasting out of the living room and not worrying that someone else is waiting in line to get in
5. spreading my makeup out all across my bathroom counter deciding on eye color (this one can also apply to shoes)

what i won't miss about living alone:
1. writing the only check that will contribute to rent (I'm slowing being convinced that this could be the number 1 reason to get married-i hate paying bills alone)
2. crying for no reason without someone to assure me i'm not a freakoid
3. running out of toilet paper or tampons and leaving for wal-mart late in the pm because i have no one to borrow from
4. having nobody else to be spontaneous with
5. there being no one else to blame my bad PMS gas on

the only thing i hate about summer

is shaving my legs. please remember that in the midwest, our summer has yet to begin. this week is the first time ALL YEAR that temps may reach to 70, and they drop back down at night into the 40s-50s. so i yet to see a reason to shave on a regular basis given this dynamic.

of course if you have a Y chromosome you'll find this difficult to understand. a lot of men seem to think shaving takes little to no effort or time. lets not forget a women's legs is half her body so shaving TAKES TIME. and its annoying when it gets cold at night and your pores seem to defend themselves by squeezing out hair folicals making you ready for another shave.

i loathe shaving. but i do like Pedro the Lion's words: what makes you think that it won't grow back in a day or two. husbands in winter they know the truth. but what can they do. i don't like girls the way they are so shave their legs and make them look like movie stars then we can pretend it's natural
he's right. when they really get to know you they'll run.

heres what i want to know: who decided that this was necessary?

V

i just got back from watching V for Vendetta and i'm speechless at it's brilliance. so incredibly impressive. you must watch this film. we actually snuck in the theatre which is so fitting really. i have so many things running through my head right now i doubt i'll be able to sleep. i love it when something rocks your world completely.

boggle

i just finished an excellent novel entitled: The dogs of babel. The main character is a linguist and throughout the book he plays this neurotic game where he tries to find other words in a person's name. most psychology people appreciate a little neurosis so i gave it a shot; here are a few of the most interesting. i have to admit that the exercise felt a little revealing.

stephanie:
tea
tan
pain
hate
sane
pet
sin
pan
steep
heap
stain
step
neat
tin
heat
pie
pee
hip
hen, etc.

maybe esau is my cousin

i was thinking about how easy it is to trade your birthright for a bowl of stew. it seems that if some of us were honest enough, we'd admit that we doubt that Ps 34:8 is true. we doubt that if we tasted to see, the Lord would be good.

when i was talking with kara the other day, we were talking about dating people w/o our belief system, taking jobs w/o prayerful consideration, the state of the world, and following our natural inclinations for self-gratification in whatever form that may be. to be honest, there are just times when i feel like esau, when maybe i think my birthright or the blessing of the Father isn't all its cracked up to be. maybe i might as well give it up for the bowl of stew in front of me.

this is when i most need Christ.

because somewhere in the depths of my soul i want to believe that My grace is sufficient for you, and to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or imagine, or Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

maybe its just me, but sometimes when you're hungry enough its easier to take the bowl of stew available because the blessing thats been promised looses its appeal. and i begin to think maybe i have a lot more in common with esau than i'd like to admit.

i've been offered some good smelling stew lately. so i'm gripping onto what i know from the sermon on the mount, hoping Christ will be enough.
Lord, lend your grace.
(in case you have no idea what i'm talking about, this is a story in the book of Genesis, in the Bible. if you want more info, let me know)