The bombardment of insecurities & fear through eight pin sized holes on a receiver

i don't know if you have those people in your life: whenever they open their mouths to speak you wish the air would record the words like subtitles in mid-air? i do.
these are the people i can speak to in metaphor, in poetry, in convoluted disorganized stream of consciousness. sometimes when i'm on the phone with them, i actually take notes. it is a little embarrassing but i figure they don't know so their brilliance flows and i get to save face.

it seems that whenever i start losing some bearings i end up calling certain people in my life. usually it is a mentor, a therapist, an older friend, someone who knows me better than i want to realize. today i called a grad school prof.

"I just wanted to update you on a few things, I have roomates now," I say. "I'm living in the city now. I feel like even though there isn't a level of individual intimacy yet, there is this collective sense of belonging."

He understands. And then comes the wisdom. He says to me that these are the kinds of risks that will not hurt me, these are the kinds of risks that it takes to be known. That I have taken a risk that isn't easy to runaway from. That maybe I've been looking for people who have the ability to see, instead of focusing on my ability to reveal.

He says now is the time to risk being seen. To risk being held.

I told him that I don't know how to allow God to comfort me, how to trust Him? He says I should pray that God direct my path, not my destination. That my prayer could mean that God allow me to cross paths, to be in places that will grow me, that will fulfill me along the way.

This struck me with such boldness. Sometimes it is more about the growth along the way- isn't it? Greed is a deceptive beast. I get so hungry to arrive. . . . and I am often unsatisfied with the manna along the way.