Amore y Pace

Sunday Insomnia

2008-05-19T00:16:00.003-05:00

It seems that I am just unable to sleep on Sunday evenings. Here I am again trying my hardest to calm my thoughts for long enough that I can trick myself into sleeping.

I counted up my mosquito bites which fall between my ankles and three inches below my knees. I wore capris on my weekend rock climbing trip to Wisconsin. If my estimations are correct I have 52 on my left leg and 56 on my right leg.

And I assure you that I've been conservative, given that several welps were counted as one bite when I am sure it must be at least 3+ that make up those bulging itch spots. Every half hour or so I cake on hydrocortisone cream to postpone the pain.

I would take the suggestion of editing photographs but I'm still learning how to use all the bells and whistles on iphoto. And sorry, but, I don't get SportsCenter though I think that could do the trick of "drowning out" my thoughts.

I think if I'm still up at 0200 I'm going to call in to work.

a.m. and counting

2008-05-12T03:45:00.000-05:00

so what do the rest of you do at 0346 when you can't get to sleep?

i had a bowl of cereal.

didn't help.

i tried writing, it's not helping.

called my mom-it was nice until she needed to sleep.

read some of 1corinthians.

i'm now considering going to the gym.

So Much for the Daffodils

2007-04-11T22:20:00.000-05:00

green arms unfolding
peeking nails through the earth
hopeful eyes wait with longing
that the vibrant trumpet would plunge forth

yet this morning called forth slaughter
across the limbs of their frame
yielding icicle burns and suffocation
by cold and freezing rain

water in all forms

2007-03-11T16:27:00.000-05:00

this weekend for the first time since, well November, the snow has almost completely melted. it even rained friday night, precipitation that did not freeze as it fell making us chicogoans thrilled to be alive in this city.
it is always such a surprise to me when we begin to see signs of spring. viewing grass in large quantities is so delightful that i can barely contain myself when driving down the streets.
it makes me happy to know that I may be able to box up my electric blanket and scarves sooner than April this year.
-i'm crossing my fingers and toes

hypothetically speaking

2007-02-16T00:24:00.000-06:00

a lot can happen in two months. one can develop and implement a bi-lingual Latina group on identity/communication/health/roles/dating/& culture for teens, a person can get buried in the snow, one can catch the flu-and then catch it again the following week after fifteen days of below freezing temps, one can discover they have an irregular heart beat, a person can go to a Paco de Lucia concert at the symphony hall, have a visit from their best friend & a new friend, dance dance dance, and fall in love ALL in two months time.

and they could do it all all without blogging a bit of it.

as for me, i've just been trying to figure out how in the hell to use turbo tax.

carry over

2006-12-15T08:35:00.000-06:00

People who carry over vacation time to the next year are nuts. Why on earth would you NOT use time that you've earned? If a company is willing to pay ME to not come to work you better believe I'm taking them up on the offer. In fact, I still have 10 hours of sick/personal time accrued and I've already decided that next Thursday is going to be my mental health day. I'm not carrying anything over to the new year except my laundry. Cheers.

the glue

2006-12-12T00:41:00.000-06:00

at work i am constantly struck how people grow apart and back together again in relationship with one another. it is always remarkable to me what the contributing factors are to this ebb and flow. it seems often that my job is helping people to identify what these factors are so that they can plan strategically which direction their relationships need to move and consequently which contributing factors to focus on.

some are in toxic relationships and they need to avoid certain factors that lend towards replenishing a sour life supply. others want to learn which assests will yield a dependable supply and build their relationship stronger.

but the question remains, do all parties want to move in the same direction? which has me venture to ask, even if the right factors are in place-will the relationship grow & extend to either pole if all involved don't agree on that direction?

in boudra words: has the glue dried yet? if not, in the meantime, how do you move within the adhesive?

honestly

2006-12-09T00:56:00.000-06:00

what's the difference between falling in love and loving someone?

i had a fifteen year old read the sweetest poem the other night at work. his goal is to read it to this girl in class by the end of the week. i'm trying to decide where he is on the love pendulum. where are all of us for that matter?

what 10 to 12 inches really means

2006-12-01T08:03:00.000-06:00

40 minute commutes take 2 hours and fifteen minutes.
lines at starbucks and dunkin' donuts are out the door.
random street lights don't work.
you pass snow plows that dump 67% of their load on you as they pass by.
trudging through ankle deep snow that is black, slushy and (disgusting) very difficult to walk in thus forcing you to take an EXTRA pair of shoes to work.
chaotic searches for one of any three window scrapers you have somewhere but you can't remember where in the hell you left one last.
realizing that two pairs of wool socks probley won't get you through the winter.
maybe you should have bought those Uggs at Marshall Field's last month.

what a remarkable way to begin Advent.

FYI

2006-11-30T01:11:00.000-06:00

I just came back from the Goodman where I saw Christmas Carol. Perhaps the best performance of that play that I have ever seen in my life. It was phenomenal. And the good news is I get to go back to the theatre on Friday to see another play about Frank Lloyd Wright.

In other news how are these for highs and lows:

ThuNov 30
Wintry Mix to Snow
37°/28°
FriDec 1
AM Snow
31°/19°
SatDec 2
Partly Cloudy
32°/19°

SunDec 3
Partly Cloudy
27°/15°
MonDec 4
Partly Cloudy
22°/19°

you are great fans

2006-11-15T16:18:00.000-06:00

and you are kind for not yelling at me that i've not posted.
things are b-u-s-y. i suppose living in the big city and spending time with people you care about fills a persons day full. the good news is i'm headed to tejas for turkey day. i'll only be in houston for 2 days and then off to fort worth. my priority is playing with my nieces as much as possible.

to sum up a few of the very fun things i've been up to: saw a great play at the Goodman Theatre, had THE BEST cuban food of my life, went to the Lincoln Park Zoo, lots and lots of dancing, good dinners with the familia (moms always help clean when they visit! YES!), the MACY's windows unveiling themed Mary Poppins & the Great Tree in the Walnut Room adorned with Vera Wang topper.

isn't chicago your kind of town!
love it.

thank you clive staples

2006-10-23T23:29:00.000-05:00

Finally, though I have had to speak at some length about sex, I want to make it as clear as I possibly can that the centre of Christian morality is not here. If anyone thinks that Christians regard unchastity as the supreme vice, he is quite wrong. The sins of the flesh are bad, but they are the least bad of all sins. All the worst pleasures are purely spiritual: the pleasure of putting other people in the wrong, of bossing and patronising and spoiling sport, and back-biting, the pleasures of power, or hatred. For there are two things inside me, competing with the human self which I must try to become. They are the Animal self, and the Diabolical self. The Diabolical self is the worse of the two. That is why a cold, self-righteous prig who goes regularly to church may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course, it is better to be neither.

-Mere Christianity

What kind of idiot are you?

2006-10-20T08:45:00.000-05:00

Last year my new year’s resolution was to be nicer to telemarketers. I know, it sounds strange but trust me I can be a real monster when you invade my privacy by calling me to take your dumb surveys and give thirteen cents to the Pigeon Survival Cause.

I digress. . . so I got a piece of junk mail from a company called Arbitron and inside was a crisp one dollar bill. Now that’s the kind of telemarketer I want to be nicer to. I ignored the letter and stashed George Washington in my wallet to use on CTA rides. Then came the second letter. . . with another dollar.

That letter I read. They want me to take a radio survey for a week and then I’ll get ten bucks. Now listen, the second reason I hate telemarketers is because they think every American household adult is an idiot (Seinfeld quote: For I’m George Kostanza King of the Idiots!). Sign up for this or that cause, take this survey and we’ll send you a coupon for $.75 cents off a car wash, when really you get put on some ridiculous list of “Idiot’s to Call”.

Bonita sees right through that kind of thing.

But when I got a call last Saturday morning at 9am from Arbitron saying that I’d be receiving more cash in the mail soon my vision got a little foggy. Then I got $2.00 more bucks in the mail bringing my total up to $4.00. You have no idea how excited I’ve been for free money!! My friend Jamie told me this summer that she signed up for some dinner surveys and gets coupons in the mail for free dinners and I thought she was on the “Idiot’s to Mail” list. . . I was wrong. She is my inspiration!

Early this week after my cash and phone call I got the survey in the mail from Arbitron. I have to write down my radio listening habits for a full seven days, log the details, send it in, and then I get more cash-o-la. This all means that I’m letting Big Brother pay me to invade my privacy. . . who’s the idiot now?? Eh????

pensive

2006-10-16T07:05:00.000-05:00

i get like this sometimes. where there are so many ideas and concerns flooding my mind that I can't be sure how to pinch one long enough to squeeze out any sense.

last night i was glad to be reminded of this:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

it's an interesting exhortation. a live sacrifice: offer your body and renew your mind. this will test and approve God's will?

offer your body.
renew your mind.

offer body.
renew mind.

offer.
renew.

sacrifice.

being around latinos

2006-10-10T23:27:00.000-05:00

makes me really really happy.

how do you get your high?

2006-10-06T00:43:00.000-05:00

i get mine from climbing.

I went out to Devil's Lake, Wisconsin, with friends to rock climb and it was such an awesome time.

sometimes we climbed, sometimes we danced. sometimes we roasted 'mallows. sometimes we hiked. overall it was a beautiful place to spend a weekend with beautiful people.

Belay on!!
i was really excited because i became so much more comfortable just using the rock face. when you indoor climb you stick to the routes, but outdoors you step on anything you can, shove your hands into any crack just to get up to the top. it was AWESOME.

and the views from the top are incredible. i love fall.

the shores at buckingham

2006-10-01T23:59:00.000-05:00

they’re turning the lights off one by one
first the fountains
then the boats are sent away
the rugs have been pulled from under the volleyball courts
so that the sand is left naked

it won’t be long until the dust will fall on it all
burying our sails
burying our spouts
while we wrestle all winter, longing to be unfolded
longing to be spit through

mass transit

2006-09-22T11:06:00.000-05:00

no lucrativo=non-profit

2006-09-19T10:18:00.000-05:00

Today this woman came in playing Korean charades with my Mexican secretary. I overheard the attempt at conversation, “no English”, was all the woman could make out verbally. We have free ESL classes four mornings a week at my non-profit. One of the things about Chicago that I love is the fact that one cannot assume ESL students will be of Latin decent. Most days Russian, Polish, and (today) Korean accents are repeating nouns of color, country and weather in unison. The sounds come muffled from under my door while I examine client files for the day.

I like to look at their faces when I go by the classroom to fill up my Nalgene bottle. Some of them are giggling nervously through a grammar exercise. Others are cautiously eyeing their interesting neighbors searching for some form of connection other than language. All of them hopeful that the morning will bestow a bag of words to distribute in varying pairs throughout their day.

If you encounter them in salutation this afternoon, be kind, and show mercy. Their phrases are limited, but their spirit undefined by semantics.

when myspace works

2006-09-17T23:39:00.000-05:00

I actually still have friends from the 6th grade who I am connected to. Due in part to myspace. Some of us have kept in better touch at various times over the last many years since our Beverly Hills days, but our recent reunion was because of myspace.

Three of my longest friends came out to Chicago for a reunion. We had not all four spent time together since Project Graduation back in '98. And wouldn't you know, we're all just as funny, just as bossy, and just as cute as when we were eighteen.

The funny thing about it is that we all sorta fell back into our same roles. Regression, it seems, can occur in friendships just like in families. I go back to being the I'm-so-annoyed and-bossy one, Meg is the I'm-going-to-make-you-laugh-no-matter-what one, Manda is the what-the-hell-are-you-doing one, and Nat is the funny-girl-capture-the-joy one. Luckily they've all changed to add other quality traits.

Having them here was such a great reminder that friendship is a plentiful herb that i need in my life more than I realize. I loved showing them Chicago, but I loved being shown their constant acceptance and graciousness. These are the people who have been with me through aspects of my life that so few others know at all. These are the people who know my family, know my home, and know what I'm like at 5:30am on a Saturday after a huge Fajita dinner, hours of Dr.Pepper, Funnyuns, & Sweetart wars while rocking out some SkipBo. I wouldn't want to wrap a house with any finer human beings. These are my friends.

I know you've gotten crap about how some people use your site, but, Thank you myspace people.

i need more granola friends

2006-09-17T01:47:00.000-05:00

somehow i missed out on this : http://www.muddybuddy.com/

i don't know how it is that nobody gave me the heads up about this amazing event. if there is anyone interested in preparing for next year, consider me TOTALLY in. i cannot miss this again. i will fly to your city and endure the challenge.

evidently, this year they added a new feature: a costume contest.

clearly i need new friends.
granola friends.

you can't win 'em all

2006-09-12T23:29:00.000-05:00

i met a 14 year old today who doesn't want to be my friend.
what a shame.

sometimes being a therapist isn't all it's cracked up to be.
(pun intended)

p.s. now Jack has a new cousin. good thing i'm already head over heels.

when .99 cents becomes thirty bones

2006-09-11T23:07:00.000-05:00

i can't stop buying music on itunes. i'm addicted.

recent downloads include The Last Kiss soundtrack, some Pete Yorn, a little Chris Isaak. now i'm deliberating between Jose Gonzalez and Joshua Radin.

autumn always makes me hungry for new music. and you?

me and jack are going to be spending a lot of time together as the leaves change.

consumer product de jour

2006-09-08T14:31:00.000-05:00

is vitamin water; you can buy them at trader joe's fairly cheap.

i'm here at the office and just took the time to actually read the label of my most recent Tropical Citrus. you should buy some vitamin water. especially if you're like me and like to pretend that your vitamin water tastes like kool-aid without the sugar. you have to be either really imaginative or masochistic to do this. i'll let you pass the judgement. (i also like to pretend that sore hamstrings are yoga's good fortune)

all week karma has pointed me to soccer. my orangey b+ guarana bottle today has this light-hearted description of how the added vitamins will "give you an extra kick (pun intended)".
now, i'm not sure what guarana is but the people at Glaceau have convinced me that i need it plus my "b" to get this extra kick. consider me one step ahead.

vitamins + water= all you need
this was $1.10 worth spending.

GAS

2006-09-08T00:51:00.000-05:00

I just filled up for $2.95. I think I am in heaven.

Crikey

2006-09-04T10:18:00.000-05:00

This is absolute tragedy. The world has lost the Crocodile Hunter, and wildlife education will never be the same.

Honestly, I hope I go similar to our Croc Hero. Doing what I love. That guy is such a stud. Crikey-we'll miss you.

Elmer's Glue & Crayola

2006-08-31T10:33:00.000-05:00

These are some of my guilty pleasures. Along with chocolate liquors, justin timberlake, and Project Runway.

One of my favorite times of the year is when every Target, Walgreens and WalMart procreates school supplies in abundance. Markers for .50, pencil sharpeners for .39, irradescent rulers for 1.25. Thank you China for your productions. I don't know what it is about all the supplies that makes me all giddy, but everytime I pass the crates of supplies my adrenaline gets goin'.

Some people jump out of airplanes. The rest of us get aroused by trapper keepers and mechanical pencils. This is how I've come to terms with being a nerd: I've added cute clothes to the image and people can't gage my dork barometer.

This is the second year that I won't be scanning the shelves of an over-priced university book store price-checking required text and supplements recording their charge on some scrap paper so I can compare it to amazon marketplace.
College book stores make me salivate like Pavlov's dog and that damn bell.

I would be lieing if I told you that I don't plan on buying some folders and spiral notebooks just for the fun of it. I justify the crayons and markers by using them as "art therapy" with my clients :) Too bad they don't put palm pilots and blackberrys up for clearance during School Days Sales.

I told Elly that if (shouldn't I be saying "when"?) I get serious enough about my writing, I'll buy an iBook for City Life 101. That way I can be as cool as Carrie. and, Maybe then I'll also get my Mr. Big.

Cheers to new subjects.

1 more reason to love Pop Culture

2006-08-30T08:41:00.000-05:00

As if the Emmy's weren't funny enough with Conan's wit and Colbert & Stewart's dynamic duo "Bow to your idol Babylon!", the VMA's will feature this highly anticipated performance. How did I live without cable for so long? MTV, I love you.

Terminal E: The postmodern asylum

2006-08-25T22:30:00.000-05:00

sometimes when i'm bored i go to my favorite airport terminal in the world: terminal E, Houston, Texas. it's true. i have been in a lot of places in my day, but terminal E takes the cake (or the fajita tacos in this case. God bless Papasitos Cantina).

the airport is like my second home. i've been inhabiting terminals for years because my mother injected traveling into my blood (or maybe I'm an escapist as amanda says). i feel at home in airports it is the strangest thing i know.

however, since the events of this month's security concerns in Britain I have canceled two trips. i began to realize how the state of travel is now akin to psych wards. i'm just as familiar with the latter.

inpatient psychiatric treatment requires certain safety measures upon admission. included in this are body checks, removal of all personal items that contain strings/glass/sharp edges, and locking you in while taking most control away a person. it's safe, but it doesn't always feel very welcoming.

i'm beginning to feel that my obsession with travel is taking a significant and humiliating transformation. just like the patients who walk around with boat-like tennis shoes with no laces and lounge pants held up with rubber bands for draw-strings.

this week i have to leave town and i'm not looking forward to it, which is unfortunate. i anticipate that going through the rigamaroll of check-in and security will be forboding. it's just a matter of time before they take everything from us. like when patients' have makeup/foundation bottles, or mouthwash, then staff take it away just in case the patient uses the cap to cut themself or drinks the 22oz. Scope for it's alcohol content.

taking the personal items is safe, but it robs you of so much decency & dignity you begin to wonder if the stay is even worth it at all.

space

2006-08-22T21:21:00.000-05:00

one of my favorite things about my job is creating space for people to feel comfortable enough to share their lives with me. the more i think about it, the more i realize that if we actually did this in our personal relationships, life would really be so intimate.

the whole process is really interesting because you start asking yourself what does it take for someone to trust a room enough to feel safe. and what does it take for a person to trust you enough to give it a go.

i'm not sure how well i did, but my office looks really cool. there is a lot of color, which is more about me than it is about them. i wonder what my clients will need to feel that safety. sometimes it seems no matter how much you try, it always comes back to them being willing to jump into the abyss having faith that they won't be in it alone.

through the eyes of bonita

2006-08-19T23:27:00.000-05:00

My Week in Review:

1. Went to a training in the "Loop" at 200 N Michigan the latter end of the week on Behavioral Change in High Risk Youth. Turns out a key to changing behavior is considering which a person is lacking more: Importance or Confidence.
2. Had lunch in Millenium Park while the Blue Angels flew over head practicing for the Air & Water Show.

3. Walked through hordes of Cubs fans (probley from the suburbs. . suburban people are always way too shy crossing city streets) who were trying to get to Wrigley but who couldn't seem to understand the flow of traffic on Clark. I've got to find a new way home on Cubs game days.
4. Saw Joshua Radin and Anna Nalick at Park West. The former was like a good cup of Joe with a shot of Bailey's on a cold February night by the fireplace watching the snow fall. The latter was like Lisa Loeb meets Aerosmith, a strange strange combination.

5. Went to hear the Chicago Symphony play Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 5 and Prokofiev's Symphony No. 5 with friends downtown. We had some Reisling and enjoyed the city lights and crisp strings in the finest outdoor venue in the heart of chicago.

Just when you start thinking about leaving a town. . . you fall in love all over again.

The Urban Outdoors and Sylvia Plath

2006-08-15T21:48:00.000-05:00

"Grab an oar and start paddling". That's what a co-worker said to me today on my first day at my new job. The day went great and I'm pleased to inform you that I have 2 windows in my office which means my plants (yes they're still alive!) will be happy to be in a new home. I'm going to be located in one of their satellite locations which is much smaller. . . and much quieter.

They are sending me the next 3 days to a training downtown Chicago and I've been told I won't actually have clients or run any groups until after Labor Day-Whew. I'm also going to be working with some of their Wilderness Therapy and should be able to help with the next trip coming up in September to Cheese Country WI for some rock climbing. I'll keep you posted on what I get to do.

In the mean time I've been enjoying a little bit of the outdoors here in the city. Last week I took a trip with a big group from church kayaking down the chicago river. Total we did just at 7 miles down into the bay of the Lake to watch the fireworks off Navy Pier. It was stunning. We took off right at sunset and were out at least 4+ hours. I'll just say this: the Merchantile Mart looks like a ginormous castle from a kayak on the river. The buildings were spectacular as always, especially from the only green kayak on the river.

I was thinking about how people gave me a hard time that I'd be able to have the outdoors in the city. Of course they were all idiots and I'm the genius. Ladies and gentlemen you can have your cake, and lick the frosting.

Is it scary that I might have a lot in common with Ester?? Here's the latest from The Bell Jar on the matter:

"Remember how you asked me where would I like to live best, the country or the city? And I said I wanted to live in the country and in the city both?" Ester said.

"You could live between them. Then you could go to the city sometimes and to the country sometimes, " Buddy suggested.
"And you laughed and said I had the perfect setup of a true neurotic. Well you were right. I am neurotic. If neurotic is wanting two mutually exculsive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."
Buddy put his hand in mine, "Let me fly with you."

Lori Stoneman & her Tepid cup

2006-08-10T23:51:00.000-05:00

The Way I See It # 141

I used to feel so alone in the city.

All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside.

Because how do you meet a new person?

I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized,

you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you.

Or you may marry them. And that possibility

is worth that one word.

-Augusten Burroughs

Author of Running with Scissors
(this person stole this from me. i actually wrote it forever ago; and

frankly I never run with scissors)

If you haven't been approved to be Lori's friend yet, you should run right over and hope to get approved. She's one of the coolest people I know. . . and I know a lot of cool people. After all, I am Bonita.

She sent me this cut out from her *Bux recently. She also sent me a compass necklace which has guided me through many lost adventures downtown.

About the quote: it's pretty much my urban philosophy.

The way Bonita sees it. .. . "Hi" has brought me the following people in a city full to the brim:

My roomates, a guy i went dancing with, my small group at church , this musician friend, some great dinners, and a collection of spontaneous stories that you wouldn't believe even if I told you.

My favorite place to practice #141 is on the "El". I say, take more risks people-what do you have to lose? I say risks are regrets birthing. And I don't want to bare any offspring of the sort.

because i don't want to share my own thoughts

2006-08-06T20:53:00.000-05:00

when i was in middle school my older sister told me that sometimes she would write down the things that other people said when they were quote worthy. thus, she began her personal quote log of everyday brilliance. being a closet journal addict i did the same.

here are a few quotes i've been thinking of lately. some have been said recently, others are fairly old.

on success and identity-
I don't want to be just another pretty face in the hallway. AMANDA

You need at least one person in your life who doesn't think you're great. DOMINIC

on singleness (and it's frustrations)-
Just remember, you can do what you want whenever you want to. MITZI

Now why would one of the coolest people I know be single? ELLY

There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room. It's like watching Paris from an express caboose heading in the opposite direction-every second the city gets smaller and smaller, only you feel it's really you getting smaller and smaller and lonelier and lonelier, rushing away from all those lights and that excitement at about a million miles an hour. SYLVIA PLATH in "The Bell Jar"

babysitting my nieces

2006-08-05T15:54:00.001-05:00

i've learned a few things these last few days.

1. do whatever you can to get a 2 year to laugh after she falls, even if this means dancing like a madwoman and making high pitched circus noises. there's no shame in (pseudo) parenting

2. (much) older women with long salt & pepper hair wrapped up into a loose bun should not continue to try using a gerbil's ball with a bell inside to make a 5 month old smile at the portrait studies at Target when the 5 month old wails upon her approach. they should work instead at Pet Land and hand farrets to other people's children.

3. watching Sesame Streets' Count it Higher with Numbers can be much more entertaining than i thought, but by night 4 Count Von Count starts looking a little creepier and i start feeling like i might need a "blanky" for soothing

4. dallas is really fun at night when you're running through the fountains downtown to cool off

5. Pavlov was a freaking genius with that bell gig. you can condition a child to do just about anything, except of course bowel movements. . . you just hope to God that the prune juice you added to their formula helps their constipation so you can actually get some sleep at night. (i'm crossing my fingers now)

6. and most importantly, having a 2 year old yell "Tia!!" across the house to play with you is the sweetest sound in tejas

"My Burden" or "My Job" or "How to Keep your Organs Inside your Skin" or "I Heart Wolverine" or "Maybe I Just Need a Hug"

2006-08-01T00:03:00.000-05:00

Forgive me. I've been writing so much in my REAL journal that I haven't had too much of a chance to transfer my leftover thoughts here. Yea that's right, you get my leftovers. At any rate I was leaving work on Sunday after intense family sessions and was spent.

the thing is I can, at times, get fairly overwhelmed from my work. the truth is i rarely know how to write about it, i rarely know how to talk about it, communicating what is my experience in my role as therapist is challenging. please tell me that it is for you to? (this is for all my therapist buddies)

i was at the hospital where i work a few weeks back and i passed out while watching a patient undergo an electro-convulsive treatment for his depression. i've observed it multiple times prior to that occasion, but it seems i am pretty weak when it comes to witnessing someone in pain. this patient had a bad reaction. . . we'll leave it at that. so anyhow i had to go to our ER to get checked after blacking out. the professional diagnosis after checking all my vitals can be summed up in saying: I am a wuss.

it's true. once my mom had her gall bladder out and when i saw her with an IV i fainted. it seems i can't WATCH people in PHYSICAL pain. but i can sit all day and HEAR their EMOTIONAL pain. how weird am i?

back to sunday. i had just ended what was a 90 minute therapy session which was a half hour too long because the 2 sets of parents (heterosexual and homosexual sets-don't ask, it's much too hard to explain) had a very difficult time discussing with their rebellious and depressed teen the changes that are being made at home.

i finally stared at the wall at the nurses station, took what felt like my first full breath of oxygen, closed my eyes, and in visioned my heart beating so hard that my other organs were vibrating to it's rhythm. these are the times i wish i had metal criss-cross wired gates shielding my body instead of marrow in bones. but then Wolverine was sorta an outcast, so maybe metal isn't the best option of defense.

all this was less than 48 hours after returning from Latin America. a land where you kiss everyone multiple times, family is TOP priority, free time is spent sitting with people you care about, a place where people are together and affection is not with held, and eating meals together is an event. it is a place where i can taste contentment in my life con rico sabor.

i was on the "el" later remembering how the movie Crash begins. and i wonder how it is that families are falling apart all over the place. like enormous mirrors shattered so much the only reflections are sharp edges and deep marrings on the pieces nearby.

It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

I'm back

2006-07-27T22:55:00.000-05:00

I just don't have much to say yet.

El hombre de super

2006-07-21T00:50:00.000-05:00

I´m alive and well in Guatemala. It´s currently their WINTER, which is to say it rains most days off and on and drops down to say 60 degrees. At any rate, I went with my family tonight to the movies to see Superman, in spanish. This was hilarious because I felt like I was watching a really lame telenovela (Spanish soap opera) where the spanish was dubbed over. It´s moments like this when I love Lost in Translation so much more.

There are so many things here I miss. I´ll spare you too much detail, you might puke from the poetry running in my veins. I am contenta to say the least. And it is such exhiliration to actually think all day in spanish.

I am even more excited to start my new job come August. I´ll be doing quite a bit of family therapy in spanish. To all of you in the english world, take a little siesta for your heart´s sake.
-Con carino

from one old soul to another

2006-07-17T19:55:00.000-05:00

when i left my last job at the non-profit my wise friend gave me his own copy of his favorite Henri Nouwen book saying, "Books are like old friends, and I want you to have this one." the book was Cry for Mercy. All you grad school friends that read this will remember that our program seemed dedicated to two main people, our own Adam and Eve so to speak. everything we learned seemed to stem from these two individuals: "the great saint" henri nouwen, and the mysterious fran white.

at any rate, i'm just now beginning the book mentioned above. i'm leaving for central america on wednesday for a research team-thing i'm a part of so reading material is priority upon preparation. the book is a book of prayers written while visiting a monastery. the first portion begins with this tid bit of thought:

There is so much fear in us. Fear of people, fear of God and much raw, undefined, free-floating anxiety. I wonder if fear is not our main obstsacle to prayer. When we enter in the presence of God and start to sense that huge reservoir of fear in us, we want to run away into the many distractions which our busy world offers us so abundantly. But we should not be afraid of our fears. We can confront them, give words to them and lead them into the presence of him who says: "Do not be afraid, it is I." Our inclination is to show our Lord only what we feel comfortable with. But the more we dare to reveal our whole trembling self in him, the more we will be able to sense that his love, which is perfect love, casts out all our fears.

I'm not going to lie, I'm a little afraid about what's going on in the middle east right now. My great friend amanda said it's something we should be praying hard about. I don't know why I hadn't thought of that, but I have been ever since we spoke. God help us.

Bono was right: Sometimes you can't make it on your own.

2006-07-17T09:32:00.000-05:00

i got a job . i'll tell you more about it later.

guardedness not love is my folly: elizabeth meets bonita

2006-07-13T23:47:00.000-05:00

i woke up at 3am the other morning for no reason at all. after trying to go back to sleep with no success i decided to finish reading Pride and Prejudice. now that it's over, i can't stop talking about it. just be glad you aren't reading my REAL journal. then you'd really be annoyed. i'll spare you too many details. as for Jane Austen, here is one of my favorite parts:

“It may perhaps be pleasant,” replied Charlotte, “to be able to impose on the public in such a case; but it is sometimes a disadvantage to be so very guarded. If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark. There is so much of gratitude or vanity in almost every attachment, that it is not safe to leave any to itself. We can all begin freely-a slight preference is natural enough; but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement. In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better shew more affection than she feels. Bingley likes your sister undoubtedly; but he may never do more than like her, if she does not help him on.”

i've never been one for romantic books or movies. once you've seen one you've read them all. but now that i'm in my second quarter of life (!! tee hee he) i'm suppose to grow out of certain patterns right? so i'm trying to expand my horizons. but jane austen is classic, so i'm not exactly moving anywhere near Danielle Steele.

I can’t stop thinking about how roles mess people up. I have this theory that people fit into some kind of role in our lives and outside of this role we don’t know how to make sense of them. So typically we assume people to fill a certain set of behaviors, and outside of that we have little permission for them to roam. These behaviors evoke specific feelings and thoughts in us that we become comfortable with and thus are established to be the norm for how we view and perceive this person.

So your “best girl friend” is always just “one of the guys” she’s never date-able, that guy from church who sets up the chairs is just the-boring-shy-mechanic who never has much to say, your family friend’s daughter is the girl you’ve always had family vacations with so she’s too familiar to be interesting, the new guy at dance swing night is just the typical polo/khaki/loafers w/tassels guy who couldn’t be very exciting or adventurous, etc. It’s endless, for one reason or another we don’t give love a chance. . .

I think it would be a good exercise for us all to consider allowing people to change. To give people the chance to be something different from time to time and maybe we’d be a bit surprised by what we'd discover.

The thing about Mr. Darcy is that Elizabeth thought he was an ass. She kept convincing herself that he was and doing her best NOT to fall in love with him. Why is it that we're so afraid of the things we want the most??

"Because people like to say 'Salsa'!"

2006-07-12T13:43:00.000-05:00

My roomies and I went to El Jardin for a birthday dinner. This is the scrapbook of the night.

This was take 13 During the fun. We couldn't get a full pic of us all in the dumb little screen. The table next to us was embarressed on our behalf.

Back at our Home. I gave my 26 yr old
speech about how grateful I am
for my roomates and how much I am
inspired by their continual devotion of faith.

Motorcycle Diaries on Birthday Eve

2006-07-10T23:46:00.000-05:00

To get the festivities started off right, I went with my good friend for a motorcycle ride. I'd been asking him for a while to take me because it seems that Chicago would be so impressive on a bike.

We've been waiting for the best time and figured my birthday would be supreme. My only request was that we not go 100 mph and that he take me down Lake Shore Drive to see the skyline.

The summer in Chicago is really amazing. It gets hot no doubt, but not the sorta hot that makes you want to rip your skin off because the sun is squelching skin burns off the dashboard of your car (411: I'm referring to Houston here).
If you notice, I'm wearing a jean jacket and a long sleeve button down cowgirl shirt because at sunset it gets cool plus on a bike you feel the temp more.

We started off going North on Lake Shore from the Wrigley area. I was watching everyone at the marina and soccer fields-so fun! Then we connected to Sheridan Rd which runs through Evanston and on up to the Northern outskirts of Chicago-land.

Evanston is where Northwestern Univ. is, pretty much a beautiful area. Everything is so green and well kept and the houses quite impressive. It was a blast. We drove pretty far north, up to where Chicago's Ravinia music festival is held. We stopped to see the lake from a Look-out point up north.

The drive back we went all the way South on Lake Shore driving through the city, passed Grant Park and down to the infamous Lower Wacker which is one of my favorite mysteries of the Loop area! The city is so beautiful, at sunset when all the buildings are just lighting up and everyone is outside. Helmet hair is SO worth it.

the British are to blame

2006-07-08T23:15:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I most need rejuvenation, I find myself rediscovering the beauty in the Sermon on the Mount. I wish I could superimpose the lines of text like lyrics that scroll across the scenery of my day reminding me of so much peace and hope. I dare say that the secret of life lies within those lessons.
"Look at the birds, the lilies of the field . . . how much more are you loved? Knock and it will be opened. Rest. Sacrifices of fasting. . . what is done in secret, your father will reward. Store up treasures, where moth will not destroy."

Whenever you're feeling homesick, and you're on your period, don't fly home for 48 hours to get your fix. What you'll get instead is that same feeling of going to a restaurant and (just after ordering) the table next to you gets their food which looks just like what you're really craving. And you suddenly realize perhaps you should have asked for this other entree. . . But you let your order stand, and at least for next time, you know what looks good.

What I'm trying to say is that I sincerely missed home. And once I got there, I realized why.

I'm going to start blaming Jane Austen for all of this. Ever since I started reading Pride and Prejudice I've had all these changes of heart.

Itch

2006-07-02T21:38:00.000-05:00

my birthday is next week. i'm considering leaving town. but then again, a weekend in chicago holds most anything i could want from anywhere else. feel free to begin mailing all presents so as to be delivered on time.

Southport Talks

2006-06-26T20:46:00.000-05:00

When a woman is feeling frumpy and obtuse there are few alternatives of ailment like wearing cute shoes, changing into a sassy outfit and walking down Southport Avenue.

I dare say that this endeavor assists the mental circus in convincing oneself that the looks from commuters off the Brown line are attractive glances and not mere glazed-over work stares of mindlessness.

Though the ego can rarely ignore the feeling of frumpiness, at the least the heart can feel compelled by the conversations that wave through the crowd like the white Walk hand that blinks at every block.

I don’t doubt that our twenty-five year old conversation is that different from the sixteen year old one happening on the opposite side of Anthony’s Italian Ice freezer. Those girls seem just as confused about the world of the Y-chromosome as we do. Will he call? What do I say if he does?

Most of my day is spent having conversations with people about issues and subjects that they designate. I feel more like overcooked spaghetti post-eight hours of work than like a true contributor to society. By the time I can wear my Kenneth Cole Reaction heels and pull off the cardigan I’m ready to have as much endless chatter about the drama of life that one might indulge. Especially if it's over a scoop of Blackcherry flavored italian ice for a buck fifty.

Have you Confessed?

2006-06-19T22:33:00.000-05:00

A Gi-normous Disco ball fell from the ceiling and wouldn't ya know, out pops Madonna. In a horse rider outfit, whip, and crazy boots. What a stud. Please tell me when I'm that old I can dance on a Gi-normous Disco stage.

Have you confessed?
That's how Madonna ended her show last night. A Black screen with a script message in hot pink to us. I was so impressed overall with the night. Totally got my 110 worth fo' sho. And I got to wear fishnets.

Her Confessions on a Dance Floor album is so much fun and she mixed the some good oldies to the beats and feel of the new album. We're talking Lucky Star and Like a Virgin were rockin' with some new vibe!

This is "I love New York". She rocked out on the guitar and made some really terribly rude statements about Georgy Porgy our Pres. Always pushing the envelope that Madonna.

I'm one of those "You only live once" kind of people. I don't recommend this mentality unless you'd like to constantly be busy buying random crap to pull together outfits like this one at the last minute. I'm not gonna lie, it was a riot to be Borderline Madonna for the night. But no one else had the guts to dress up, or perhaps were willing to part with their sanity for an evening.

As for the show itself, I can't believe how impressive it all was. It's seriously just such a different kind of entertainment. It was more like watching human gymnists doing unhuman moves. Insane dancing, so freaking awesome. I now want to join whatever cult it takes so I too can move on the double beam bars and dance in step with twelve other hotties!

Seriously, you should see Madonna in concert before you die. My favorite moments were La Isla Bonita (obviously!), Sorry, Forbidden Love which was really powerful, and her Saturday Night Fever routine with Music and JTravolta outfits while her dancers were on roller skates. The scene with her crucified on a cross was really pretty cool, but I suppose you had to be there to "get it". It was during Live to Tell. If you don't read Rolling Stone magazine you probley don't even know what I'm talking about, in that case just ignore this part lest you become all pissy.

So the verdict is: see Madonna.

wrigleyville is sad tonight

2006-06-15T22:56:00.000-05:00

the 'stros swept the cubs. what a beautiful thing.

i went with Tay Tay to the game on tuesday. ever since he's been working for the mob he's gotten some sweet hook ups. pay special attention to our seat location. . .

What a little wine can do:

2006-06-15T01:49:00.000-05:00

i will say this, i'm glad my life isn't defined by the things that happen after a glass of wine. (i'm rolling my eyes at MYSELF i'll have you know) i've had some proud and not so proud moments.

wine has gotten me into some interesting quandaries. a few of the many- getting stuck in an Etruscan city for a night with someone i had met but hours before and crashed with in some random accommodations, an unfortunate smooch with the mountain man, absolute silliness with the girls welcoming the new year, vino dancing & the piano man.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i lived like the italians, a glass of vino a day. talk about drama and following your heart. sheesh, that could be scary! but ever so exhilarating (giggle)

tonight my roommate and i had one of those classy evenings in. home cooked mandarin chicken on angel hair with a bottle of white wine. it's a great feeling letting yourself know and be known! i'd like to think it was our open mindedness and trust worthiness that brought out the beautiful words about our souls, our love, and our fears.

but, i think it was the wine.

i want a compass

2006-06-07T23:06:00.000-05:00

my rear view mirror doesn't have a compass thing-a-ma-bobber like some people's pimped out trucks. there have been a number of times recently when i've attempted to take a "short cut" which would have turned out much SHORTER had i had a compass.

if you have one you aren't using, pass it my way.

in the mean time, these are my new shoes;)
(courtesy of elly green film inc. late night at sonic)

a Full heart

2006-06-05T00:40:00.000-05:00

a common love for each other
a common gift to the Savior
a common bond holding us to the Lord
a common strength when we're weary
a common hope for tommorrow
a common bond in the truth of God's word

i went to Nashville for a long weekend with some of the dearest friends i have. i don't know that i can say much right now except that i will sleep tonight in chicago feeling more fulfilled and renewed knowing that love and community extends so much further than i could imagine.

i forget how good it feels to sit in the presence of people who know you. when you don't have to explain things, you can just be.

i forget how sweet it is to be in the presence of them, and to experience the beauty of worshipping our God together in song, in truth. taking part in communion with them, the bread, the cup.

i forget how rich i am.

The bombardment of insecurities & fear through eight pin sized holes on a receiver

2006-05-23T21:41:00.000-05:00

i don't know if you have those people in your life: whenever they open their mouths to speak you wish the air would record the words like subtitles in mid-air? i do.
these are the people i can speak to in metaphor, in poetry, in convoluted disorganized stream of consciousness. sometimes when i'm on the phone with them, i actually take notes. it is a little embarrassing but i figure they don't know so their brilliance flows and i get to save face.

it seems that whenever i start losing some bearings i end up calling certain people in my life. usually it is a mentor, a therapist, an older friend, someone who knows me better than i want to realize. today i called a grad school prof.

"I just wanted to update you on a few things, I have roomates now," I say. "I'm living in the city now. I feel like even though there isn't a level of individual intimacy yet, there is this collective sense of belonging."

He understands. And then comes the wisdom. He says to me that these are the kinds of risks that will not hurt me, these are the kinds of risks that it takes to be known. That I have taken a risk that isn't easy to runaway from. That maybe I've been looking for people who have the ability to see, instead of focusing on my ability to reveal.

He says now is the time to risk being seen. To risk being held.

I told him that I don't know how to allow God to comfort me, how to trust Him? He says I should pray that God direct my path, not my destination. That my prayer could mean that God allow me to cross paths, to be in places that will grow me, that will fulfill me along the way.

This struck me with such boldness. Sometimes it is more about the growth along the way- isn't it? Greed is a deceptive beast. I get so hungry to arrive. . . . and I am often unsatisfied with the manna along the way.

lone starring it

2006-05-18T11:09:00.000-05:00

Reasons to move to texas:
1. i have the most darling and precious sobrinas
2. eggs cost .76
3. sonic will now "slush" or "aid" anything you want

*reasons not to move exceed the memory of blogger sites

Can't buy me love

2006-05-16T00:00:00.000-05:00

thanks to my new chicago life and cable TV i am officially hooked on Grey's Anatomy. all it took was the season finale. mcDreamy has sure come a long way from his "Can't buy me love" days.

eye candy. ahhh. . .

why the low rise jean is only flattering on certain body types

2006-05-15T23:44:00.000-05:00

i'm one of those ppl that tells other ppl when they have part of their lunch lounging on their cheek. one time i told my supervisor he had a sesame seed in his mustache. i figure, they don't want to walk out to their car at 5pm after work and realize that all day long no one told them about the broccoli between molars 12 and 13. we say something because we have ALL pulled down our visor on the drive to realize our own foolish remains at some time or other. and we wished somebody had spoke up.

a few weeks ago my roomate was coloring my hair at her salon and while looking up at her i brought attention to what seemed like a "hangy" booger. you know what i'm talking about-so anyhow, turns out it was the bottom end of her nose ring. i was the bonehead on that one.

but then over the weekend i went to Home Depot. first of all, i hate this store. it's ugly and it smells unpleasant. oh, and i can't find anything there and avoid it at all costs. but a las, there i was alone and in orange heaven breathing in insecticide and saw dust looking for a window A/C unit. i had one of the apron ppl help me out with my purchase. i needed her to use her UPC gun to register my purchase on the Self Check-Out lane.

that's when i saw her butt crack. seriously, she's standing in front of me trying to figure out why her gun isn't working (which took at least twenty minutes) and her shirt is somehow caught between the apron ties and her own belt, which coincidentily isn't actually connected through the belt loop holes on the jeans. what i witnessed next was at least three inchs of crack protruding from her jeans.

i wish i could tell you that i diplomatically brought her attention to the matter. but i can't tell you that. you see, i wasn't sure how to begin to phrase it. somehow, i'm not sure that this was offensive to every other shopper. but then again, what do i know about the people who shop at home depot.

unload

2006-05-13T20:51:00.000-05:00

i'm still unpacking all my crap. it seems i own more junk than there are holes to stuff it all. the thing that sucks about unpacking is that inevitably there is this one small thing that you want and you can't remember where you put it for the move. in the last two weeks at various points this object was:
my hair brush, my pampered chef ice cream scoop, my favorite white dangle apple earrings that i affectionately call "eve earrings", the new book of USPS stamps, and Jack-my shuffle.

in other news, i had one of the worst weeks at work of my life. how does everything go wrong in the same week? bad karma i suppose. i actually cried at work (which I have never done). yea, it sucked. these jerkoff teens were total asses to me which i usually can take.

but for some reason after i left the room on thursday after giving them hell, i went into the staff room and broke into tears. i have no idea how this happened but i'm telling you i lost total control of my facial muscles & my composure. i hate it when i lose my composure in front of ppl who don't know me well. because then i feel like such a fool. i have to get better at this showing vulnerability crap.

i'll close in saying after working with substance abuser teens i was just about ready to find out first hand just what a "bowl" might feel like while decompressing from my day.
jerks.

it's all about perspective

2006-05-08T18:36:00.000-05:00

i don't know about you but i don't usually SIT when using public restrooms. i'll spare you the details. but you have to admit there is a LOT of bacteria in those places crawling everywhere.

over the weekend i was at work and went into the ladies room to do my business. that's when it happened-the perspective changing that is- the toilet seat was up. now, typically i relate the "up" position of the seat to some moron man who forget to put the seat down. translation: it could be a messy corner of the room, and floor for that matter (and who wants to actually touch the top of the seat anyway?).

but there i was looking at the situation and i realized something. there probley wasn't a guy who last came in, it was the cleaning lady. translation: this is the cleanest seat around.
so, i sat. and that was that.

talk about a paradigm shift.

my best self

2006-05-05T22:53:00.000-05:00

i went out with the new roomies tonight-feliz cinco de mayo-for dinner. we walked to this place called El Jardin because they have world famous margaritas. i'd like to know how it is that every mexican place happens to reserve the "world famous ___" title on cinco de mayo? hmmm. . .

what do i care, fool me and give me a good drink! and they did, a couple actually. in the last few weeks i've had a few friends mention that they thought I was sorta "jumpy" meaning: on edge, jumpy, overly stressed. i think all four of them are right.

we were out having a great time tonight and i was half thinking (because thats all i can do when i have alcohol in my system) about how great it feels to get the edge off. what a relief it is to be with ppl you trust and enjoy and to have a drink or two, or. . .;)

so i've decided that tonight, i was my best self. and it took a bit of tequila and rum to get me there, but rest assured-i was my best. cheers and buenas noches, bonita

i heart futbol

2006-05-05T11:45:00.000-05:00

it's such a great sport. i played starting at like 7 i think and believe strongly this shaped my life tremendously. soccer is such a kick ass sport.

yesterday i was spending time with these teens that i work with and i bought them some sports gear. i.e. volleyball, frisbees, soccer ball, etc. so we met up at the park with some serious KFC buckets and had a good time. i was pretending to be in shape with a few of them kicking the ball around and i was remembering how much i Love soccer.

when we played it was such a fun time to hang out with cool girls. my teams were never the top of the top, but we sure learned a ton about being tough. and of course we got to be outside for hours goofing off and singing random counting crows, en vogue, and pearl jam songs on the field while coach wasn't with us.

i think i learned a lot of confidence from soccer. maybe because it was a team sport, maybe because i was allowed to "side tackle" people (which i'm sure i only successfully did once in a tournament and got called Fat Cow & Slut for by some moron girl from LaPorte). either way i know there are few things i love more from childhood as the memories of quartered chilled orange slices and fruit punch gatoraid at half time with my friends. oh, and of course the awkward shinguard tan lines on my bony legs.

i gotta find some people in the city to play soccer with. amanda, will you move here?

23

2006-05-01T08:28:00.000-05:00

i'm pretty sure this was the age when i stopped being able to sleep in on Saturday mornings. has this happened to anyone else?

there was a time when i could sleep in on ANY occasion until say, 11a or noon. i'm talking, stay in your pajamas all day kinda sleeping in. and then suddenly when i was about 23 i woke up at 7:30am for no reason; and it continued that way from then on.

the thing is that it is so agravating because you know your body is capable of getting more sleep. and yet you awaken at 7:15 without an alarm and you think to yourself: "self-what the heck is wrong with you. it's 7:15 in the stinkin' morning and you don't have to be awake. STOP DOING THIS."

to no avail, you can't return to sleep.

i finished moving in last night. now i just have to organize and put away a significant amount of junk.

band-aid wrappers, crap old pens from your console, old GAP receipts, and Adam Duritz: keys to networking in the big city

2006-04-26T12:02:00.000-05:00

(sir wells, this title is for you)

i've been pulling over a lot lately to talk on my cell phone. this is revolutionary for me given that i've perfected the art of holding my cell, shifting gears, changing CD's of my audio book all managing not to kill pedestrians. but as of late, i've decided to pull over.

there's this job i really want. no, let me reframe: there is a program who needs me to continue growing and expanding in new directions. so i'm trying to convince them anyway (if you're a person who prays to anything, please use this on my behalf on may 1). i keep leaving voice mails for people i don' t know to get connected as needed. now i have an interview.

this whole process has felt like riding a thrill ride for the first time in the dark, and kara at least knows i HATE thrill rides (and the dark sometimes). with every call i have no idea what the hell i'm doing. i talk to mr. so-and-so and tell him mr. something-or-other's name who i know through his sister-in-law whom i work with. mr. so-and-so says "oh, you know mr.something-or-other? oh yes, he's a great guy i love working with him." i say, "oh yes, but can you help me talk with ms. queen-bee-of-latina-work? i want to get connected with her!" and mr. so-and-so gives me her extension.

then i call and leave messages, spelling my name, leaving my phone number, requesting to hear about further career opportunities and blah blah blah. i do this, every day, all day in between breaks from my job where i keep asking around if anyone knows people at this university.

and when do they call back?? they call back when you're driving home in the traffic of the posh downtown suburb you live in. they call when you're at home packing up all your crap to move and your peeing in the bathroom ring ring. they call back while your itunes is blaring August and Everything After and your writing their call back extension on the only piece of scrap you can find: a bandaid wrapper.

they better be convinced they need me.

i don't like dogs

2006-04-24T21:22:00.000-05:00

i know its hard to believe but its true. i hate dogs actually. well, thats not fair. . . i hate having animal hair on me or on my belongings. i hate animals wanting to rub all over you as if personal space doesn't exist. you have to have permission to invade my privacy. i hate their breath. i hate that ppl think dogs are people, when they aren't.

i stopped by a co-workers house today to pick up some things she's giving me and her dog greeted me at the door. i of course was annoyed because the thing is like 4 feet tall and proceeded to wipe his mouth on my knee cap leaving slawber that crusted up ten minutes later (gross.) then the jerk wouldn't stop barking at me as if i had invaded HIS territory. this dog is something they call an English Shepherd dog or some crap like that. i don't know, he looks like the Abodminal Snowman with freyed carpet in place of the snow as hair. how can you love this thing?

we had a dog growing up, Lady. she was my sisters and i hated her most of the time. maybe i was secretly jealous that i didn't have a pet of my own. or maybe i think fleas and spending money to save an animal from a cancer that people can't even be cured from is ludicrous.

last christmas at our company party everyone was stunned to find out i didn't like the hostess' dog. "you seem like the pet type!?" to which i responded, "do i look like i want animal germs and hair all over my clothes and saliva that belongs to an animal on my skin? i don't think so."

i can be a real snob sometimes. this was one of those times.

even though there is so much i still haven't reconciled, my heart is His

2006-04-21T23:39:00.000-05:00

i was in the city today pursuing a few opportunities for work, for fun, for life. i took the longer "el" route to my new house so i could walk down Southport and check out the cool shops that will soon be my stomping grounds. when there are so many new opportunities in front of me i sorta get a little nervous. i was telling a friend last night that i've been kinda insecure about a couple decisions lately-and i HATE insecurity (i do my best to stay far away from the worm).

the thing is that i always want to keep my options open. so in effect, i hate deciding on ONE thing. i get scared that i'll be bored or that it'll suck and i'll have no way out, etc. i was thinking that it would be a whole lot easier if i could set out a dumb fleece like ol' Gideon in the story in Judges of the Bible. is it just me, or was that like way too easy? no chance that would work now, i'm too complicated for that sort of thing. meaning i have no faith.

as i was leaving downtown i got a call from this man who is a key link to some networking i've been doing for at least a month. some wheels are turning and i might get connected better than i thought. i am totally humbled.

i came home and got in the bath thinking about how much i'd like to lather in God's mercy. so soothing. i listened to this on my drive. . .

What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?
What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?

What would I have done?
What would I have done?

What would I have done if it wasn't for you?

the move countdown: 2 weeks

2006-04-18T22:02:00.000-05:00

what i will miss about living alone:
1. dishes piling up in the sink that i left, and i don't care about- mold schmold.
2. walking around naked on the third floor of my apartment bldg with the windows open
(i figure if mr. peeping tom is ballsy enough to climb up that high in the chicago wind, he deserves a free show)
3. crying for no reason, blowing snot on my couch pillow & knowing that a little febreeze will cover it all up
4. taking really really really really looong baths, door swung open with my music blasting out of the living room and not worrying that someone else is waiting in line to get in
5. spreading my makeup out all across my bathroom counter deciding on eye color (this one can also apply to shoes)

what i won't miss about living alone:
1. writing the only check that will contribute to rent (I'm slowing being convinced that this could be the number 1 reason to get married-i hate paying bills alone)
2. crying for no reason without someone to assure me i'm not a freakoid
3. running out of toilet paper or tampons and leaving for wal-mart late in the pm because i have no one to borrow from
4. having nobody else to be spontaneous with
5. there being no one else to blame my bad PMS gas on

the only thing i hate about summer

2006-04-10T23:11:00.000-05:00

is shaving my legs. please remember that in the midwest, our summer has yet to begin. this week is the first time ALL YEAR that temps may reach to 70, and they drop back down at night into the 40s-50s. so i yet to see a reason to shave on a regular basis given this dynamic.

of course if you have a Y chromosome you'll find this difficult to understand. a lot of men seem to think shaving takes little to no effort or time. lets not forget a women's legs is half her body so shaving TAKES TIME. and its annoying when it gets cold at night and your pores seem to defend themselves by squeezing out hair folicals making you ready for another shave.

i loathe shaving. but i do like Pedro the Lion's words: what makes you think that it won't grow back in a day or two. husbands in winter they know the truth. but what can they do. i don't like girls the way they are so shave their legs and make them look like movie stars then we can pretend it's natural
he's right. when they really get to know you they'll run.

heres what i want to know: who decided that this was necessary?

V

2006-04-09T01:29:00.000-05:00

i just got back from watching V for Vendetta and i'm speechless at it's brilliance. so incredibly impressive. you must watch this film. we actually snuck in the theatre which is so fitting really. i have so many things running through my head right now i doubt i'll be able to sleep. i love it when something rocks your world completely.

boggle

2006-04-04T17:26:00.000-05:00

i just finished an excellent novel entitled: The dogs of babel. The main character is a linguist and throughout the book he plays this neurotic game where he tries to find other words in a person's name. most psychology people appreciate a little neurosis so i gave it a shot; here are a few of the most interesting. i have to admit that the exercise felt a little revealing.

stephanie:
tea
tan
pain
hate
sane
pet
sin
pan
steep
heap
stain
step
neat
tin
heat
pie
pee
hip
hen, etc.

maybe esau is my cousin

2006-04-02T21:07:00.000-05:00

i was thinking about how easy it is to trade your birthright for a bowl of stew. it seems that if some of us were honest enough, we'd admit that we doubt that Ps 34:8 is true. we doubt that if we tasted to see, the Lord would be good.

when i was talking with kara the other day, we were talking about dating people w/o our belief system, taking jobs w/o prayerful consideration, the state of the world, and following our natural inclinations for self-gratification in whatever form that may be. to be honest, there are just times when i feel like esau, when maybe i think my birthright or the blessing of the Father isn't all its cracked up to be. maybe i might as well give it up for the bowl of stew in front of me.

this is when i most need Christ.

because somewhere in the depths of my soul i want to believe that My grace is sufficient for you, and to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or imagine, or Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

maybe its just me, but sometimes when you're hungry enough its easier to take the bowl of stew available because the blessing thats been promised looses its appeal. and i begin to think maybe i have a lot more in common with esau than i'd like to admit.

i've been offered some good smelling stew lately. so i'm gripping onto what i know from the sermon on the mount, hoping Christ will be enough.
Lord, lend your grace.
(in case you have no idea what i'm talking about, this is a story in the book of Genesis, in the Bible. if you want more info, let me know)

Hide & Seek

2006-03-31T00:20:00.000-06:00

remember that feeling of hiding in hide-and-go-seek when the "it" guy is out looking in all the wrong places for you. and then you try to watch him in the dark through the trees and loose sight of him. . . and you don't know for sure if its still safe for you to get out and run to base or if you should keep hiding out? what a great tension; one should never be too old for this sort of thing.
we took the teens to the forest preserve tonight for their spring break activity. now my hair smells like fire.

my mobile

2006-03-28T17:14:00.000-06:00

i love that the british say "mobile (mo-bye-al) " instead of cell phone. either way mine broke in half last week while i was talking to cheese-head thomas. seriously, i'm walking in my living room blah blah blah -it slips off the shoulder and breaks in half. this is the feature of the flip phone that isn't advertised.

i'm ashamed to say how completely handicapped i've been ever since. i have nobody's numbers memorized except for my mom's home in houston. which is hilarious because my mom's friend in louisiana doesn't know how to program phone numbers in his cell, but he doesn't care because he still memorizes numbers. and when his phone breaks in half, i'm sure he can still get a hold of people.

what a lame westerner i am.

on an exciting note, i have found a place to move to downtown! i'm moving to the wrigleyville/uptown area and i couldn't be more excited & giddy. i'll have 2 awesome roomates who are both from the South and ever so kind! move in date tentatively scheduled for april 29.

book cunundrum

2006-03-26T23:33:00.000-06:00

is it just me or as we get older do we not become more defined by our book collections? i just packed up my office and i was thinking that i needed to sell all my dumb books on amazon marketplace for 2 reasons: 1. to make a buck back and 2. i don't want to re-pack my books again.

cuz if you're a nomad like me, you've moved every year of your young adult life. and i have to say that the thing i hate most about moving is not the large furniture. it is in fact the boxes of books that weigh three times as much as my couch.

after the last move i swore i'd only go to the library for books and i've kept that oath well. i've only obtained a couple books from friends who have persuaded me to read this or that, aquired a book or two as gifts, and then of course there is the random "oh they don't have this at the library so i might as well get in on sale for 11 bucks" buy. the most recent of the latter has been Rob Bell's Velvit Elvis.

but here i am again, another year and another lease later. . . i'm looking at all my crap and wondering how much i can get for these recycled pages. what a vicious cycle.

Shoe-Mate

2006-03-23T09:45:00.000-06:00

Shopping for shoes can certainly be a chaotic experience when clearance time rolls around. I went to Nordstrom Rack to find some comfy city shoes. You see I need a heel, something black, comfy, and stylish a combination that is rare in this day and age. This is where the madness ensues.

At Nordstrom Rack they have a shoe-mate policy. You browse the chaotic shelves of shoes each with a bright color sticker coordinating to a percentage off. (Why people don't just pull the pink 50% off and add them to their finds, I'll never know. Sometimes I think I was born to be a thief) All the shoes have been thrown here and there with no order. I realize the system early on: that us customers pick up the lonely shoe and take it to the Shoe-Mate counter to find it's pair.

I looked and looked. Diesel 7.5 too small, Kenneth Cole black heel 8.5W too big, too wide, XOXO shorter black back-less pump 8.5 too big but maybe. . . . I check the Shoe-Mate counter and they have the match. I try it on and it becomes certain I need the 8. Sheila at the counter hands me an 8 and says "The mate is somewhere on the floor, you just have to find it."

Well if that isn't the predicament of my life I don't know what is!

A whole half hour must have gone by with me on my hands and knees holding that dumb shoe out in search of its mate. I found nothing. The good news is I keep my forty bucks & some change, the bad news I still have no perfect city shoe. The search continues (both for the shoe and the mate).

Sushi is raw fish people-c'mon.

2006-03-19T10:32:00.000-06:00

i think its so funny that people think sushi is so "cool". i agree that an exotic change in anyone's diet to include an ethnic new food is cool. but i'm going to admit: i don't like sushi.

last night i went out with a friend who decided he'd pick out dinner. so we're driving and he says that there are 2 choices for the night: 1. the asian supermarket or 2. yenyen noodles. i was up for mexican, but i'm always up for mexican so we went to numero uno. evidently in the back of the super there is some great sushi bar. (side story: in the back of the super where we ate there was also a Korean family eating who brought in their own Popeyes chicken while checking out the asian video checkout area-that was a fun site)

last night i was biting into eel and as it was being chewed in my mouth like silly puddy i decided that it wasn't worth it. seriously, when you need a glass of water inches from your hand to enjoy a meal just suck it up and admit it: sushi is not for me; and i'm ok with that.

one door closes. . .

2006-03-16T09:12:00.000-06:00

i had to give xanga the boot.